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How to deal with it?

Well I've been living with my relatives for about four or five months now, I was very grateful to my aunt and uncle for letting me and my sister stay. Ever since the death of my mother back in November 2008 and then losing my house in March. But things have been really rough for everyone here, lots of arguments and fights between them and my cousin, to the point where we leave the house; not coming back until early in the morning. It's getting very, very stressful! Sometimes I wish I could just leave and never come back, it's been terrible these few years. Everything fell apart when my mom died and me and my family have never been more distant. I'm beginning to think things are only going to get worse as the years past and I get older.

Today my cousin, my sister and myself got into a little quarrel with her while doing the dishes. My aunt was ranting on and on about how things need to change and how it's not fair for her. Even though the other day we all had a heartfelt talk about her personal demons. We all cried about it. But now I feel like a complete idiot for it considering the fact she LIED and went back on her word. I'll never believe her when she says she'll change for the better. Far as I'm concerned, she's just a lost cause and I'm not going to waste my time any longer, it's just too bad that my cousin has to go through this all on her own. I really wish I could do a little more to help her figure herself out in this whole disastrous thing. 

But my aunt came out and confessed to us all that she "Could no longer do this anymore." We never asked for her help, she was the one who volunteered herself for our sake and now she wants out? If she didn't want to get involved she should have never offered her help. It makes me feel so stupid and pathetic I can't help but wonder if my mom would have done the same thing if this whole situation was reversed. She always told me to look after my younger cousin, but the three of us hung out so much all the time that we all got really close. I don't even consider her my cousin! To me, she is my youngest sister, so when I leave this place I want her to come with us. I would feel too guilty if I left her here to fend off those two monsters she has for parents.

I can't wait to find a job, make some money and get my own damn place! Then I can finally leave all these things behind me. I want something better for myself, considering the fact all the things I have been put through I deserve a lot better than this. I know it's greedy, selfish and spiteful but I'm tired of living like this, I want things to change. At least just for a little while, make it feel somewhat similar to when my mom was still around....oh those were the days I'll never, ever forget. I just wish I could have spent a little more time with her now, but dwelling on the issue won't bring her back. I'll just have to get through this rut, somehow; someway I know I'll eventually find my freedom.



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